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exitforthelost

A B O U T
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H E A D E R
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A N O T H E R
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A N O T H E R
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A N O T H E R
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credits
This layout was made in Photoshop CS, handcoded in Notepad by Nocturne. Original image from Pixelgirl Presents, textures by Tre. All rights reserved.
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Ode to addiction [October 30th, 2005 | 17.38]
I think I am finally realizing that I am a drug addict. I don't want to realize it but every day I see more and more of my reality. I was able to hide away from the fact for quite some time but I can't play anymore. I was always able to make excuses for the ungodly amount I spent on the drugs and the priorities that I blew off, but now my health is being affected and I cannot make an excuse for it. My body is shutting down from the damage I am doing it. I don't eat a thing all day and constantly bambard it with forign chemicals, of course there would be a toll. I am seeing that now. Two nights ago was the first time my body completely shut down, I am still not over the effects and I feel like hell. So many people are telling me to go to the hospital but I will not. There is no point. I know what is wrong with me. I know that I have a horribly weak heart and that the drug I do affect it. I do not need to spend money on bullshit tests. I am slowly killing myself.

I see everything clearly. Too clearly. So, why can't I stop myself even after I am done? Why am I going to go buy more drugs today after we eat dinner? WHY!!!!

Song that explains my life at the moment:
It echoes in my brain
I didn't mean it
Pulses through my veins
I didn't mean it
I'm the one to blame
I didn't mean it
Did too much cocaine
I didn't mean it.

Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Looks real cute, her lips are sore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Always comes back for more

Your memory will fade
I didn't mean it
You've always had it made
I didn't mean it
I know you feel betrayed
I didn't mean it
I just wanted to get laid
I didn't mean it

Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Looks real cute, her lips are sore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Always knocking on my door

You come across impure
I didn't mean it
You're goddamn immature
I didn't mean it
You act so insecure
I didn't mean it
You hate me now i'm sure
I didn't mean it

Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Looks real cute, her lips are sore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Dripping sex from every pore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Looks real cute, her lips are sore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Such a motherf*cking bore.
2|+

I can be emo too!!! [October 25th, 2005 | 14.23]
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This does NOT have to do with a break up or boy troubles or what have you.
3|+

New look! [October 24th, 2005 | 14.34]
I changed by color.
I was supposed to go Manic Panic Lagoon Blue but they did not have it so I went Special Effects Atomic Pink instead. I ordered the manic panic dye yesterday so by next month I will have my blue hair ^_^

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I am adding purple and ultra violet to it soon.
15|+

[October 17th, 2005 | 00.36]
Fascination with the obscure

Transfixed by the illusions you built around you

Nothing is real but you don’t care

You fall into insanity more and more each day.

You see what’s not really there

You hear whispers in your ear

Who said this, what is that?

You’re going crazy, you’ve gone mad

By the images conjured by your mind.

You clutch your head and begin to cry

As you reach for the knife to silence your mind.

You’re covered in scars, your skin is raw

You feel like you can’t take this life anymore.

They put you on pills and tell you to talk it out

But nothing gets better, you’re not moving on.

You seek out obsessions, you’re addicted to drugs

You’re willing to do anything to find piece of mind.

And everyday you slip a little more,

Falling into a world that is far from your own.

The nightmares become reality, can’t escape the dark,

And you sit in the corner praying everything will work itself out.

**************************************************

“It hurts.” She cried, I think I saw a tear

her smile gradually faded but still no one came near.

“I want to die.” She yelled, hoping someone would hear

they all abandoned her, they didn’t care

“Please help me.” She begged as she fell to the ground

they walked over her, never looking down.

“I’m sorry, I can’t go on.” She whispered and pressed skin to knife.

“How did she die?”

“She took her own life.”

“She thought no one cared,” he said looking at the ground.

The other shrugged, “She was right.”


-fin-

I felt like I needed to write something and well, I have nothing to say. So two of my poems for you all.
4|+

[October 12th, 2005 | 01.16]
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Old picture of Bren ^_^ One of my characters. Such a lovely fellow, he is.
3|+

[October 10th, 2005 | 23.48]
In the past three nights I managed to set my hair on fire twice and my scarf on fire once. I <3 Drugs!!! Damn hair getting into the bowl.

It is getting rather chilly about, time for mittens and scarves! Mittens and kittens would be better but what can you do. Kittens in baskets would be even better, except for puppies in baskets. I am very used to cold winters since I did that whole growing up in Europe thing but living in California for 4 years has ruined me!!

Today, I had some quality alone time when I really did not want to have alone time. Thus, I spent most of my time thinking of my oodles of friends here. Then I recalled last night and the wonderful conversations he had which include but were not limited to: Zombies, how to survive a zombie attack, ghost stories that have happened to us, Cheese, and socialism (I explained my theory of how we could properly do it in America and then the world). And people say a stoner cannot have profound and deep conversations...pppfffttt.

A fun fact: Jesus Christ Super Star rocks. Such a lovely movie. Again, I <3 Drugs.

aahhh.......fantastic
3|+

[October 9th, 2005 | 17.41]
Last night I did a rather dumb thing. I woke up that morning feeling utterly ill and spent the whole day in bed. As evening set in I was feeling a little better and decided to go find my friends. Many of them were sick and one went home to Long Island due to the fact that he was so sick. This left only three of us: Myself, Ryan, and Dave. After finishing up The Two Towers and before watching Apocalypse Now, Ryan, his roommate(Taylor), and I decide to go smoke some weed. Now, for those of you who do not know, it has been raining practically non stop in New York. We decided to brave the weather. As we stood outside in the pouring rain, smoking our two joints and a bowl, it occurred to me how dumb I was for being out in the rain when I was not fully over having strep throat. I seriously got drenched! It was fucking horrible but fantastically funny at the same time.

Man, the things I will do for my drugs.

And yes, I feel like shit today because of it.

Am I going out tonight even if it is raining. Yes, yes I am.

The wetnessCollapse )
1|+

[October 7th, 2005 | 00.49]
My friend said the most funny thing today as we were getting high. We were talking about the politics of the world and Ryan goes, "Man, I am not looking forward to Charles' reign." And then Kashif, our lovely and smart Kashif goes, "There is another hurricane?" We started to laugh so much. I honestly could not breathe.

And my dear ones, I think I have a crush on someone. How lovely. Golly gosh he is a cute man. Alas, I do not see anything coming of it. Another sad chapter in the life of Sonia.

I am horribly sick. I do not recall being this sick in such a long time. I have a fever of 103.2 and a soar throat. Hmm...how exciting.
6|+

My Life [October 4th, 2005 | 21.00]
I opened by top drawer today and had to pause for a second do to the fact that I realized how well it defined my life.

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A few things are missing, but yes, my life can be summarized in this drawer. Not quite sure if that is good or bad.
9|+

[October 3rd, 2005 | 13.54]
So, I was in my foundations of philosophy class this morning, like I am every Monday and Thursday morning, and I realize that I am somewhat cold. I planned ahead and brought a sweatshirt that I wear all the time due to the fact that I do not own another one. So, I take the sweatshirt from my lap and quickly put it on. As I do this quick gesture a huge guff of weed fills the area around me. I was like, "fuuuuuckkkkk." Everyone around me turned and stared at me for the longest time, it was quite the awkward feeling.

In my preceptorial class we had this interesting speaker about Islam give a disucssion about his religion. I really enjoyed it even thought it was filled with hypocracy, unanswered questions, and lies. For a man who claims to be part of the religion he sure gave many wrong facts. Funny how religion can interest me so much but at the same time piss me off more than anything else can. Odd mix. I do enjoy learning about religions though. I have a good knowledge of many and hope that grows along the years. Religion is one of the few subjects that can keep me awake.

Just something I found funny....

Raver Raver Raver GirlCollapse )
2|+

the new tattoo [October 1st, 2005 | 15.05]
I am getting a tattoo. It will be a barcode on the back of my neck. I know it is somewhat over done but I love the idea. It is not really in plain view so when I am older it will not be difficult to hide and it is not one of those obnoxious tattooss that begs to be noticed by everyone in near proximity. I still plan to get my Anubis tattoo, I just do not know where to put it at the moment. Any suggestions? The color bone piercings may have to wait more than I wanted. I will probably get those after thanksgiving. I am getting a job on Monday which will allow me time to save up for them.

And look...I went back to blonde for a bit(until I choose a new color). I was thinking of a really pale light blue.

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10|+

drugs, medication, and school [September 29th, 2005 | 17.58]
I went to my therapist and psychiatrist today. I am really starting to dislike my therapist. One, he has a lazy eye which distracts me from venting my venty feelings. Two, he seems overly posed. The whole time he was looking at me, I looked at him and could not help but wonder if psychology schools offer theater classes in hand gestures. He nods his head so dramatically and does that whole finger tapping on the lips thing. It makes me feel like he is not taking anything seriously and is mocking me. fucker. My psychiatrist was all right. I like going to her because the meetings are always short. She upped my meds...again, both. I guess I get more crazy every time I see her. Haha.

School....is kicking my ass. College is much different from highschool. I actually have to keep up with my readings and homework here and I am not used to it what so ever. I am used to doing nothing and being an honor student(I was voted lazest honor student for the senior best. Here, doing nothig means you fail. I dislike that concept. Failing makes me feel.....dumb. I think I need to start attending class, as well. Another thing I am not used to. Ugh.

Some funny quotes from my friends and myself

"It hurts to smoke it when it is burning my lips"
-sean

"ahh...burning grass....reminds me of home"
-Kashif

"Why can't we do the circle of both?"
-me (I meant why cant we pass the lighter and bowl around together instead of having one lighter in front and one lighter in back)

"ewww...insense does NOT taste good"
-Hughie

"Away message!"
-All of us
9|+

[September 28th, 2005 | 11.34]
I fear the time has come for me to get a job. I honestly cannot support myself anymore and I am feeling guilty mooching of my rents when money is so tight around the house. College life sucks for money. It sucks your dry before you know it. I suppose the habitual drug usage does not help my wallet either but what can you do? I am going to try to get a job at the local hottopic(shudder). I think that is my only option seeing as I have a piece of metal going through my nose which is not being taken out. I wish people were more open to body modification.

On another note, I am taking a vow to get on my shit. I am letting my schooling slip and I am on scholarship so I really cannot afford to have bad grades. No doing drugs until after my homework is done. It will be a reward system.
9|+

[September 27th, 2005 | 01.27]
oook, this is the last name I will ever make for livejoural! I swear it! And I will actually try to keep up with this one. I need something to pass the time with.

As always when starting a new journal, I have nothing to say.
10|+

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